Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Being ME

*Warning: This post may contain words.

It's funny how easy it is to forget where you're going. I'm not talking about when you enter a room and forget what you went in there for, sure I do that all the time, but in this case I'm talking about the steps I've taken towards this whole big life thing.

I'm a bit of a hermit. There, I said it. But I travel more in my head and into other worlds than I will ever have the ability to do in reality. I live in worlds populated by snarky characters and outlandish plots through books, TV, and my own brain.

Yet lately I've fallen off the wagon. I've been obsessing about things like what I eat, the way I look, the impression I give to others, the job I work to make myself feel useful... why the fuck do I care about those? Seriously? I've spent the entirety of this new year unabashedly devoting myself to trying to reshape who I am. Um. Why the hell am I doing that?

Reasons. 1) I gained some weight and feel self conscious. 2) I'm in a long exposure therapy program to get over some PTSD crap. 3) I'm going through a chakra training for yoga.

All of that has come together to make me question what I'm doing. I thought if I got my body in order things would fall into place. Maybe if I stopped running from my mental issues and faced them things would clear up and the sun would always shine. And maybe, just maybe, I'm supposed to be a really incredible yoga teacher and change lives.

Or maybe that's all bullshit.

You know what reminded me most of all what I want to do? The god of profanity; Patrick Rothfuss. Have you read his books? Amazing, right? Have you met him? I had the pleasure to see him speak last summer at PAX in Seattle and I'm pretty sure he changed my life. I practically stalked him all day. I had never even HEARD of the guy until we walked into his panel. I went out, bought his book, had him sign it, and took a picture with him.

Then I got back to life at home and forgot about the magic I felt when I heard him speak. I've been wrapped up in all these expectations and trying to please other people that I've forgotten what it's like to be me. In so many ways I've lost who I am, and that pisses me off!

You want to know who I am? Who I REALLY am?

1) I'm the cutest damn person you'll ever meet. Talk to me for 15 minutes and tell me I'm not adorable. Seriously. We've decided this is my super power and I'm looking for ways to use it in the name of evil.

2) I have an incredibly sassy internal monologue going at all times. However, if you speak to me I will most likely do the whole deer-in-the-headlights thing and say something stupid. Example: Other person. "Have a nice flight!" Me: "You too! Oh, well you're not actually flying, but.." Other person: walked away long ago.

3) I love swearing, and I do so a lot when I get excited about something. I relate swearing with humor and fun because in my life it was never used in anger or fear. Only when an extra drink had been consumed and someone was feeling good.

4) I think I'm a really good person, except when it comes to money. I will give you my time, skills, and half the stuff I own before I will give you money. Otherwise I volunteer, give people free yoga, and help friends and family in just about any way I can... as long as it doesn't cost money. I also hate asking for money. Really I just hate everything with money other than when it can buy me shiny things.

5) Yup, you guessed it. I'm a huge geek/nerd/dork. My terminology differs depending on the day, but I have an obsessive nature and fan girl quickly. I also think I'm funnier than I really am (which is why I'm really glad my husband gets my humor).

6) I rotate through my weird hobbies/skills. Right now I'm back into doing my own henna. As you know I also love to crochet, though it comes and goes. I also draw, occasionally paint, sometimes I make jewelry, I bake, write, read, fix stuff, organize, clean, sew, sing... there's more, but the point is I do a lot of stuff, and I do it all pretty well. I'm not particularly GREAT at any one thing, but damn if I can't do a bit of everything. (If you're thinking "but you're great at making amigurumi!" I can assure you that while I may excel at nerdy creatures don't even begin to ask me to make clothing. It's not pretty.)

7) I want to write.

#7 is why I cam here today. This is where the story comes full circle. You know what I really want to do? What I want to dedicate my life to? I want to be an author. Being a yoga instructor is brilliant, and I do love my work, but it doesn't make my heart sing like writing does. I have so many weird little stories tucked away in my head that I want to share. So when I remembered my time in Seattle yesterday I tweeted a little thanks to my heroes of inspiration (Pat Rothfuss and Shanna Germain). Then they wrote back. In those brief sentences I remembered why I loved writing. I'm introverted, I fall too easily into the damsel in distress role, and I seem to be unable to stand up and speak for myself, but here on the page I can say whatever I want.


Suck it world. I'm going to find a way to be great and make up for all the crap I've gone through.

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